I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
