I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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