your thong is hanging out like whoa
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
