so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
