i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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