The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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