So drunk, too bad you don't want this
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
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