i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
please come you make the beer taste better
It was confusing and full of hummus
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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