He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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