my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
whose parrot is this?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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