He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
