I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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