Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
