You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
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I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
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I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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