i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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