I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
