there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
