I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
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She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
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