I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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