Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
