thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
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I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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