I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
