I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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