If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
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He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
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I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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