I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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