im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
