dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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