Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
