So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
