You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
