I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
