If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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