I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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