Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Don't make out with my wife yet
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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