i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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