My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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