Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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