I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
