I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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