woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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