I just saw a hot homeless man
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
