I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
