my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
