Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
