im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
