you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
