so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
