I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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