She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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