My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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