Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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