They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
