I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
