...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
